I’m angry and frustrated by the entire situation. It’s a disgusting system that really does nothing to further learning. Nothing. I have a friend who is forced to take basic computer classes despite the fact that he’s worked as a network administrator for the last 20 years and could easily teach the classes he has to take. Even the classes he’s interested in are poorly staffed and teach him nothing. I expect the same fate.

The small - minded perspective of the grade school system in Texas has trickled up to the post graduate level and I’m fearful of what I’ll encounter there after 5 years away.

I was wrong. One made it into his backpack and out for all to see at recess. The “zero tolerance gun free zone” mandatory punishment is a year suspension. It’s the only case where a kindergartner can be suspended. We worried and stressed over what would happen if someone complained or if the matter was escalated. So far, he’s dodged that bullet.

On Friday, the vice principal called me and I braced myself for the worst in “zero tolerance” punishments.  Instead she tells me tales of Star Wars sword play and AJ punching another kid in the head. In turn, said child punched AJ in the nose and set it to bleeding. Boys will be boys, yadda, yadda. AJ was grounded to his room when he got home from school. Which is where the story really goes off track.

Hub was working in the yard. I was still at work. After a couple of hours of laying sod, Hub went to check on the kids. Everyone was accounted for except AJ.

Hub called the neighbors to see if AJ was playing with his older brother. Not there.

Hub walked to the creek to see if AJ was playing with his sister and her friend. Not there.

Hub went back inside and yelled and tore apart the house. Even looking in clothes drawers hoping that AJ was up to mischief. Not there.

Hub walked the street yelling at an increasingly alarmed volume. AJ was not there.

Hub realized we had a big problem. He hadn’t seen our son in the last two hours and neither had any of the other kids. AJ was not hiding. He was not sleeping. He was not in the house. He was not in the yard. He was not playing with any of the neighborhood kids. He was gone. He was missing.

Hub called me as I walked out of work to break the news. As soon as I heard his voice, I knew something was horribly, desperately wrong. “AJs missing. I’ve looked everywhere. What do I do?”

I went through the list… checked the neighbors? Checked the closet? I felt anxiety like I’d never felt in my life pulling up from my gut. I started to shake and I dropped my keys.

“Call the police” “Find my baby, Hub” He didn’t hear the second part. He’d hung up.

Driving was slow motion. Simple tasks where enormously hard to discern. I work next to a one way street and I had to look both ways for traffic three times. Autopilot wasn’t working. I was awash with adrenaline but I could not fight or fly away.

There was no speeding. There was no honking and emergency lights like when Captain broke his arm. The thought of pulling into my driveway behind a police car was too much. I had to stop at the first light and throw up.

I called mom. She’s qualified for a front row seat in heaven because she married well… twice. Her former husband is a missionary and her current husband is a minister at a very powerful Baptist church. Surely their prayers could help. As soon as she answered the fear overcame me completely. I couldn’t speak. Giving voice to the possibility that my child, my BABY, might be out there hurt or alone or worse was too much. I cried. I never cry. She was terrified. For once I couldn’t comfort her. We were all supposed to be terrified.

I felt a buzzing… a vibrating… it wasn’t an electronic device, it was my head. I was going to faint or vomit again. I’m the strong one. I’m the one who can reason out any situation and I physically couldn’t drive any more. I pulled into a parking lot and stopped. I took several deep breaths. I tried to connect to that part of every mom that we hope will be there in a crisis. That connection that will tell us if our child is ok. If he’s hurt. If the worst has happened. I was half way home and a million miles away.

The phone rang then.

It was home.

AJ was home.

The police were there.

AJ had been inside a different neighbor’s house. A neighbor we didn’t know had kids. A neighbor who should have heard Hub screaming through her open window.

We had the best possible outcome. It was a misunderstanding and a kid being a kid and sneaking off to play with friends despite knowing he’s not supposed to. It was a hard lesson, though. For ten minutes I saw the world through the eyes of a mother without the power to help her child. Without the knowledge that her child is safe and happy. For ten minutes I saw the hell that mothers go through when their child is a victim of harm or evil. It’s a window I never want to peer through again.

I’ve decided to be a more positive person and stop trying to rage against the machine. I keep getting chewed up and spit out and running back for more. Instead, I’m looking at a career change. I want to work for myself. Truly work for myself. I don’t want pesky clients to please or egos to assuage. When I consider the options and the things that I enjoy an odd choice popped up… real estate.

I look at real estate as a hobby. I found the house we live in now and I’m always looking for the next house. I’m not as interested in selling to others as finding deals and turning them into something… better. I don’t know how that looks yet. Maybe I’ll buy good houses at good prices, invest in green technology and rent or resell. Maybe I’ll buy up blocks of houses in poorer neighborhoods and create community centers and schools to improve the standard of living… I don’t know. I do know that I’d like to do more with my life than earn a wage.

So I’m looking at learning all I can, maybe getting a license, and researching what information is available online. Clearly, I’ll need funding… that is the interesting bit. But I can move slowly and wait for the right deals and I have resources to find grants (if it goes in a non-profit direction). Any advice? Am I too naive here?

I’m sunk.

Be right back.

I feel like the ship has sailed and I can’t find my way aboard anymore.

I had kids, I worked too much, I let my imagination fall prey to too much TV and Internet. I got rusty and out of practice.

I blogged.

The blogging took a lot of creative energy and even more of the good stories I could draw on from life. It also taught me how it feels to have your work out there for mass consideration. What was a robust and active blog has been dead 4 years. I realize now, I was on a path to being one of the pioneers. I was one of the first with readers and ads and the potential to showcase my talents to a new audience. It scared me and I quit.

I realized this weekend that I’m constantly writing in my head. While the kids are outside playing and I’m doing the dishes, I’m constructing an outline for a story. While I’m folding clothes I’m deciding if the female character is strong enough to handle the next plot shift. While I’m drifting off to sleep I’m composing. I’m composing phrases and structures that are wonderful and will be lost to sleep.

The ship is just off shore. It looks like I’ll have to swim for it.

I’m trying the NaNoWriMo thing again. As therapy. To see if I can swim.

So far I hate the story. Hate it. It’s self-serving and lazy. But I’m moving forward. One doggy-paddle at a time.

a witch (not me)

skeleton

skeleton football player (easier to pull off than the mummy football player or zombie football player from years before).

a train/fireman. The boy can never decide between the two.

I stayed home and handed out candy. It’s a coveted position between me and my husband and this was my first year with the honor. We had 4 trick or treaters in the 2 hours the kids were gone. So I played 4 rounds of Mario Kart, cleaned the kitchen, carved the last pumpkin, and downloaded scary movies for them to watch when they got home. It was lovely.

The extra hour of sleep has me refreshed and ready to tackle the 2000 words I need to write today. Since none of this counts, I think I’ll move along now.

So far, I’ve thrown all my energies at the training part and neglected the golden ticket that got me into the position. I’m on borrowed time to complete the project and yet I keep getting distracted by EVERYTHING! The good news is I’m 80% finished. The bad news is my husband’s nickname for me in Ms. 80%. I seem to have a habit of completing tasks… mostly and then going off in search of shiny objects. This time, I’m playing with fire and I need to STOP IT!

I love vinegar. It really is the wonder drug for household cleaning. I tossed out my harsh chemicals years ago in favor of vinegar, baking soda, and elbow grease… ok. I couldn’t quite let go of the Windex, but one day
http://odyb.net/food-cooking/62-little-known-uses-of-vinegar/

Home inventory sites… there’s a bunch out there to prepare you for loss.
http://www.stuffsafe.com/index.php

Clean like a maid until you can afford to hire one (I wish, I wish, I wish)
http://www.curbly.com/badbadivy/posts/1011-Clean-like-a-maid-/

Decluttering without the garage sale
http://www.swaptree.com/
http://www.freecycle.org/
http://freepeats.org/

Tea is lovely. And so is this site. Explore Mighty girl for other recommendations.
http://mightygirl.com/2008/02/28/tea-pantry/

Homemade lavender water. I just need instructions for keeping the spouse away from the vodka
http://tipnut.com/homemade-lavender-water-recipes/

I’m not sure I ever stopped house hunting. I found my house and houses for 2 friends.
http://googlesystem.blogspot.com/2008/05/google-maps-adds-real-estate-search.html

Fighting the tax man (property taxes, anyway) It’s a .pdf file.
http://www.ahamembership.com/property_tax/AHA_PTRK.PDF

or the OTHER taxes
http://lifehacker.com/5163980/squeeze-every-last-dollar-out-of-your-income-tax-return

Fun find of the week…

http://www.coverbrowser.com/
I love magazines from times gone by. What better way to understand history and culture in real time. None of the magazines I own features on this site, but I now have a huge list of magazine ‘wants’ I can never afford from Ebay…

Academic (religious?) find of the week…

http://www.codexsinaiticus.org/en/
It’s like a mystery in the form of a puzzle wrapped up in history.  Now, to learn Greek!